The end and the beginning

Death is a certain.

The only thing that is certain 100% for sure that will happen in your life and to you. Nothing is as sure as that, not your next breath, your next heartbeat, your next thought.

Death is, yet we are petrified of it.

We feel a great shock when it occurs near us, so much in fact that it seems like a punch in a gut as if such thought could never have even occurred. We run from it so blindly and fully that we even manage to convince ourselves that such a thing doesn’t exist. We start to believe that so much that it cuts at us like a great knife when it crudely and abruptly make itself known again, shedding the mask and shadows in which we cloak it to hide it.

Today, a few hours ago, I received word that a person that I hold dear in my memory and heart has passed away. I can’t speak as easy or throughly out loud as do I write and so here I am, opening up as promised. Opening up my thoughts, my feelings.

The person in question I haven’t seen for years which makes this equally harder and lighter. Harder for I felt I didn’t have a chance to meet her a new or for her to see me grown up, to not being able to experience one another again. Lighter because the sharp memory has faded to the blurry image of smile and joy. This person was important and dear to and one of the fundamentals of my childhood along with her family.

In a sense she was like a grandmother that I never had yet in the same time something so much more. In my eyes, and in the eyes of many others, she was a classy, cheerful lady with a flare you can only find in old movies. Her husband and her are well-known in the circles of literature, art, movies and all around astonishing circles which in me often left the impressions of awe, admiration and adoration.

My parents are younger in age than them by even some decades yet they were all fast friends. Later it fell apart to reason that are now honestly forgotten and unimportant. Many of my childhood memories consisted of going to grand lunches at their big house at noon and staying up till midnight. Time spent hearing stories and philosophy of life which at the time i didn’t understand the depth of , but could understand that people in front of me were something more than just an elderly couple. That they were more – a people of flair and life lived with experiences and situations that warms your soul and brings tears and stars to the eyes. Something you look up to because, how can you not? They were recognized in my eyes and in many of old Yugoslavia. I love them and I admire them as I always will. Nothing can break those feelings towards them.

I remembered playing with their dogs and winning the favor of Bobby (a dog that only allowed his mistress, their daughter who was quite a bit older than me, to hold him and caress me), of exploring the gardens and the house (and seeing a great hawk in the garden below of their neighbours that sometimes seemed bigger than me), helping in the kitchen or playing the grand piano in the saloon which was the lady of the house pride and work.

She was the lady of laughter and jokes, elegance and spirit. I regret not being able to see her once again and to least say ‘hello’ and ‘I think of you often and wish to thank you for being a part of my childhood and thus, of me.’

Once again she is teaching me and this time it isn’t which note keys to hit on the piano, rather that the life truly is too short to let it pass by with excuses of “I’ll do it tomorrow.” or “Another time, soon.” To live truly and throughly. I do not wish to be one of those who think about the past and what could have been done differently. Already, I believe, I spend too much time thinking about situations that could have been done differently or reacted to better. But, there is no point in that. After all there is only present and what you make of it. Even the future is uncertain and thus, not to be put in calculations in a way that will prevent you from living truly.

I wish to be a better person, a person that will live and enjoy life, to find and experience and love. But, furthermore, I wish to be able to put a smile on some bodies face or to inspire the person to do better. I wish to continue doing for others what was done for me by the person in question and her family – to be as such that it will make you want to raise and learn, stand on your feet and not be afraid of anything. Because death shall come either way and isn’t it better to look back at the full and content life rather than the fear drenched misery that you barely call living?

Don’t waste your time staring at others, feeling jealous, or anger or helplessness or anything of the sort. Work on yourself first, on your happiness, start from within and then by you being happy and content you shall inspire others to do better as well.

Life has a beginning and end. It is wonderful and terrifying and yet it is all about how you perceive it. I shall take to lady’s way and try to put a smile on people’s face.

To quote Native American’s Teachings:

Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practise optimism.”

Life will end and I wish to leave behind memories of me bringing joy rather than sadness.

What do you wish to leave behind?

Thank you, Mira, for giving me love and joy and letting me love you in return and also to be someone who I looked up to and admired, always and forever.

In memory of Mira Šimatović, grand pianist

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