Dreams of goals

Weed confession – I never really put it here that I tend to smoke from time to time. Mind you, my approach to it is either smoke for few days in a row, when I feel it  and then not smoke for a while. But, I tend to be like that with everyting in my life, so this is no suprise. I suppose I thought that people would feel against it and as such, wouldn’t wish to be part of this anymore, no matter how small it currently is. But, my conclusion about life right now is that honesty is the best policy.

The thing that I also found that weed can make my brain go in overdrive, thinking more deeply about things than really necessary for anyone who doesn’t like to complicate their lives. Me, for better or worse, do tend to do that. But, what I really wanted to share today is a short confession that I wrote that kinda describes my deeper current mindset which happened when I was high, thus he first paragraph.

I don’t wish to be succesful just,

I want to reach for the stars

Feel how it is to be a star

For she is made of what I am made of.

Not just see the wild waves and pass them through on my way to school

I want to feel them as I feel myself,

Totally and completely.

If that is not fullfilled, the ultimate happiness of living, how can I be happy?

Even if I have a success in business, the joy won’t be full because I would feel the emptiness

That only one with everything

remembering that I am a creator and planets,

birds and oak trees,

all that is, is me, as well.

Light and God,

One and everything.

That I am part of this energy that is everything and all.

It is the ultimate power, the ultimate truth.

And you truly know this,

And once you feel it and know by heart,

Then your conciousness and your mind will automatically know it, as well.

But, knowing intelectually is not all there is.

In fact, it is a lower level of knowing – learned theory, one that you may or may not apply in life and what use is that?

A level that you need, but is not enough.

However, it will happen on its own accord, you will know intelectually of itself if you know it first by feeling it, by breathing it, by living the truth.

Which is a joy to know, for now you can skip thousands of books

Who all tell you in the end the same truth.

Just live and be lived through,

Life wants to flow

Don’t stop it with fear spready by a mad society.

Let yourself live as a god on earth in a sense that what you think you become and that is ultimate godhood and so become true to your heritage.

Only that is the truth.

And only that matters.

We used to forget for we were playing and we wanted to take the play to the next level.

Now, we are stuck in this play for a moment of time.

And once we reach the truth again

We’ll probably want to forget again for it is the nature of play  and it is the only way that you can have the illusion of free will and free choice.

Only when you are cut of the whole, or better to say, your mind forgets it is part of the whole, can there be created an illusion of existence as a individual unit, Of self, of a personality that you use to function in this world of society and this form of existence.

But, once you remember, you go back to the universe level. You live and exist purely in the form of energy and there are no desires, no dreams, no past or future, only now.

And that’s why we like to play the game of forgetting.

After all, only in the game can we experience the ups and downs, joys and sorrows, in its illusionist form where everything can be created, from biggest peaks of humanity to worst tragedies that you can imagine and that makes all the fun in the world possible.

It is a bit reformed for the sake of better understanding for I wrote some sentences in the way that are not neither gramatically correct nor much understandable. However, this is something that occupies my mind a lot lately and hopefully, there are some individuals out there that think similary 🙂

Until next time,

Lots of love,

Eli

 

 

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{Music. Kygo feat. Maty Noyes – Stay}

 

It’s strange how thoughts just start to follow one another. I never thought before much about romance and yet now, since coming to this magical place of London, people that I find beautiful and fascinating just keep popping up and they become gorgeous in my eyes the more I get to know them. Honestly, I don’t even know where to turn and focus, on which person to look at more. And they all equally deserve the same focus because they are all equally enchanting in their own ways. It is a hardship, but in a certain sweet kind of way if that makes sense.

Don’t know how much others experienced this transaction from one end to the other in their life, but it can be quite enlightening about what kind of person you can become and what you can do to make others happier and what kind of actions can make others sad.

But, it is actually disturbing when you realize how much we give up responsibility. Not gonna say give up control because if we really did give up control fully and enjoy whatever came to our life then it would be way easier and more fulfilling to live it. But, people always place the reason and the responsibility of their happiness on other people.

He is my boyfriend so he has to take care of me just the way I like it and I will be happy. If he doesn’t, I feel sad and that is his fault.

My mom didn’t congratulate me my birthday today so I am depressed.

My teacher didn’t praise me today so I will not study for her class anymore.

My friend didn’t text me back…

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One hundred and one reason of why you feel sad and then you place the blame on others like it is their job to make you happy. Every person is responsible for only one person and one person only – and that is itself.

Every other action taken to make someone else happy is considered a gift, not an obligation. And as such, should be valued whenever given and not angered or sad when not.

Why not? Simply because if you yourself first can’t make yourself happy than no one can make you happy, not truly. Because you will always depend on that person to make you happy and that is never a way of being happy for long. Then it is fleeting and usually brings more pain than pleasure.

Also, if you can’t be happy with yourself and expect others to make you happy, you are actually putting a horrible burden on others and even worse responsibility that nobody wants and they always leave in the end because it is an impossible task to fulfill.

I honestly think that many people approach relationships wrong. They approach usually with an illusion of what the person should be and is. As they meet they adjust their perspective one way or other. Expectations follow. I’ll be stereotypical here simply to make a point, not to make it seem as if it is truly like that. A girl wants flowers before every date, guys want sex after every date. If it is not fulfilled, they don’t like it and put the blame on the other significant.

That is no way to really go about because you will always end up disappointed in the end. No one can meet your expectations fully because no one can read your mind and no should actually. Everyone is their won person and what you expect is the extension of your persona and to expect someone to fill up all the check points is impossible to achieve.

But, love… Love can change all that. Just loving, not forcing or changing anything or anyone, just feeling that joy and love. Dance and sign with it. Work and create with it changes you and later on the world for the better.

After all, there is a reason for the saying love yourself first before you can love anybody else. Well, I am not sure that is really how it goes, but the point is the important one. Once you learn to enjoy yourself, you want need others to make you feel joy. But, sharing is caring and thus sharing your joy with someone familiar will just intensify it for the better and that makes a true relationship matter all the more.

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{Music. Eiffel 65 – Blue (KNY Factory Remix}

You would think the world is at fault with how much things can go wrong and how much we complain about it. But, since coming here, I became certain in two things in my life.

One – every situation that you find yourself in is defined by your way of looking into things and colouring them with your own perception, emotions and beliefs of life. So, if you are in a very bad position, it is due to your mind perception of a said situation. The situation simply is, if it is bad or not depends entirely on you. Because you will be the one who perceives it as it, so you can also change your perspectivness of it. So, basically, with enough flexibility and control to exercise it, you can change your surroundings simply by changing the way you look at them. Many people wish for happy feelings and when they feel uncomfortable or not completely content, they declare that situation bad.

Everything bad can become good. Same for good. Which brings me to my second conclusion.

Second thing is that if you are constantly failing at something or the things don’t work out the way you believed it should, the universe is simply giving you disguised directions. That way doesn’t work, try the other way, quite simple if you think about it. You just have to listen, pay attention to things that work out, the way you are doing something which in the end gives your result and then you will know which way and how to go. After all, you need to arrive somewhere and the energy that you put into something, even if it doesn’t work out, has to at one point come back to you. If you are starting a business or trying something new and it isn’t work out, it is alright. The effort you put into will be repaid in some ways later on. Simply because you toughened up through the difficult experience, it means that later on it will definitely be easier. It is a most known law of action and reaction. And the universe directs you in a bit of difficult way to the point where you need to go so that things become easier.

So, failure and the ability to adjust are your way of maturing to something better. It is all in the mind. So, if you control how the world around you can look, imagine how beautiful and magical you can make it happen. And what fun it is to actually play a game we call life. You just have to get up every day and start playing it and you won’t need this words to believe me, you will know it yourself.

Love and all the best in playing the game

Ellie

 

 

Life is weird and so am I

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So, the blog is becoming a diary it seems as today is a recap of my day.
I woke up wonderful, finally rested after a week of constant work in a restaurant where I found a job as a waitress for a minimal wage so that I could stay in London.
Today I had a interview for a better paid job and was really looking forward to it. I mean really looking forward to it.

I woke up, my friends who took me in already off on their University’s and I stayed with a lovely cat, Mimi. Shower, meditation, laundry and food with a bit of book reading passed my time until 3 o’clock when I had to leave to get to the interview at 4 o’clock.

So, here is a thing, when you go to such interview you have to have a proof of living somewhere. Mine was a gas bill. Now, I would love to say that the cat slept on it or something and I didn’t see it but the simple fact is that I forgot it as I was leaving.
I was walking down the street from my house, happy that I won’t be late when I was hit with the thought ‘the gas bill!’
I think I kinda creeped out the guy that walked behind me when I suddenly stopped, grabbed my head and started muttering “fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck”

Now, you would probably say, no worries, just go back and take it, you’ll be late ten minutes, but oh well. Ha! As if.

See, I am a guest in the flat not a flatmate which in translation means that I have no key to get back in. Some would pose a question ‘how the heck do you lock the door when you leave?’
The doors have some kind of very secure lock that automatically locks behind you. You need a key to get in, nothing else gets past them.

I believe it was the universe itself that made me shut the window that day, but not actually pulling the handle in place and locking it.

Here’s a thing. The apartment is in the building on the first floor. Right in front of that window is the roof of the ground apartment and thus an access to crazy ass people like me. Problem is, it is still too tall to just climb the bare wall and I would need a ladder, but I admit, sometimes I am just plain crazy in my decisions and plans that others would simply deem foolish. Plus, absolutely everybody knows that I am as clumsy as they come and I have no idea how everybody survived around me as I carry a tray with food and drinks about (FIY, I only had two accidents in this week and a half that I work which I think is contratibuted to my lucky star in the sky).
Keep in my mind that I left the cat in the flat (she ain’t really our cat, she just moved in so we have to let her out when we leave so she doesn’t piss somewhere) as I expected my friends to be back by 5pm and she slept so peacefully I didn’t have a heart to push her out. Big mistake as I read the text on my phone when I left that they won’t be back until after 9pm. So, I needed to get the gas bill and get the cat out.
I still don’t know how I managed it. My mind just started supplying me with half okay ideas on how to get in and I didn’t think much about it before I did them.
I just know that I grabbed a trash box by the entrance and pushed it against the wall. Heaven knows how I didn’t freak out the neighbors with the noise enough to get them to check what the hell is dragging a trash can about. I was kinda hoping someone would get out so I could ask for a ladder. Nobody came,unfortunately (or fortunately?).
The trash can didn’t work. My head just reached the top of the roof which is flat and had nothing to grab on.
But, there is a small wall by the ground flat which is supposed to part away the road and parking of the building from the supposed garden which only has grass and a tree in it. The wall isn’t wide in length, to be clear. However, everything was welcome in that moment.
So, I climbed the wall, pulled the trash can on it and tried to balance it somehow. Let me tell you, it certainly wasn’t balanced enough that anyone would tell you ‘come, hop on, it is as safe as it can be’ it was secure enough at best and I was somehow on it in seconds. I somehow managed to push my bag on the roof and was looking how to pull myself up as well. Twice the trash box almost went off from my feet. I somehow grabbed and pulled myself up and I still wonder how the heck haven’t I broke my neck. Off I went to the window, opened it and jumped in like some kind of ninja. I didn’t freak out the neighbour’s, but I certainly did freak out the cat. She looked at me with eyes clearly saying “What is wrong with you?” I wonder, as well.

Kick the cat out – check (it was very gentle in practice). Grab the bill – checked.
Get to the interview – fail of outmost failures.
Off I went, puffing and thinking fanatically on how to get.
Anyone who lives in London knows how bloody big it is and how you need to leave at least an hour time to get somewhere on time. I had 20 minutes. Citymapper, a wonderful, lovely app that I love fully and unconditionally only had one option on how to get to place in 20 min. Call a cab. Call an Uber cab for which you need an app on your phone because the London is so advanced that calling the cab the usual way – by phone – is so out of fashion.
Anyone that knows me even a little bit will know that I never have memory on my phone because it is crowded by photos and editing apps. I think I deleted about a dozen apps that I need to get back online in my attempt to download the app for the taxi. Only, my darling phone is a bit of a grandpa lately and didn’t get the notification that there is space being created for Uber taxi app. Only thing he had to say to me after deleting dozen of apps is sorry, storage space too full. Reseting didn’t jog his calculation back on track either.
When technology doesn’t work, you turn towards something else – kindness of people. I hate to do that to be honest.
So I stopped about five people with a question can they call me a cab until finally a lady I stopped had an app for it. It wasn’t Uber, it was a Cabbie, but I wasn’t picky. It was so wonderful that somebody actually wished to waste 10 minutes to call a cab for a stranger. The lady said it will be in 11 minutes and will cost me 15 pounds. I was willing to give 30 pounds at that moment to be there on time.
I waited for 18 minutes, looking about, flinching at every horn that sounded until I gave up and run for the Kentish Town station to get on the tube. The main reason I didn’t want to go on tube was because of being late, now it was my only option which I knew. I managed to get there in 25 minutes from one part of town to the other. Only, I was late 40 minutes and wasn’t let in. Only thing I got was that to call them for the reschedulment of the interview. I doubt they’ll let me come back, but here’s what I learned – the Old Street part of town is lovely and I like it a lot, I need to start writing things that I need down before leaving the house, start way earlier when going somewhere and Starbucks is a savior.  I dragged myself about, ready to head to the university to get the keys from my friends so I could get in the flat cuz I shut the window and wasn’t ready ro repeat it that soon when the Starbucks showed it’s presence on the corner of the street. Chai tea latte and carrot cake actually do help calm your mood.

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I don’t recommend climbing the roofs for anybody. It makes you sweaty and certainly isn’t fun if you fall. I do recommend Starbucks though it is an expansive mother chucker.
Hope your day was a bit more calmer and restful then mine
Until next time…
Love,
Elli

I truly feel sometimes like my head is in the clouds, running about without an anchor. It is a mess when I try to find a way out and put it together in order and sense. And it is mostly that way because I want to be free and light as a feather, going through life, but many demand you down on the ground, firm and sound, with clear answers and learned words of a textbook.

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Heart tells you one thing, but people tell you another.
“Get a job!”, society yells.
“Do what you love!”, shouts the heart

Where to turn, where to go?
You have a guidebook to getting a job to pay the bills, but it is a story told once too many times to make think about taking it on.
Stepping off the well worn path is terrifying for easily you can get lost in dreams you think are happening and not in what life offers around you.

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I only wish that people would have more understanding and logic to let you live and not try to put you in chains that pull you to death like a sinking boat in a storm.

Where would you go if you can? What would you do with your life?

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I would want to be Indiana Jones, honestly. But more elegant about that.

Rumblings about life at one in the morning. Very classy way to success…

You are my dream reader

{Music. Haichi }

Maybe a long time ago I wrote for someone specific, but now I find writing for myself and than… For everyone else. I want everyone to read it and find it enjoyable. If not, I wish to improve myself until they do. So, basically, my dream reader would be everyone in the world. Everyone that would need a bit of inspiration,a bit of love, a bit of laugh. This is for you.

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Dear reader,

I am gonna tell you a story about a little person which was created to explore life with everybody else.

little person

The little person learned from the world around it, from its people and nature surrounding it. The sounds would be recorded and the words remembered. From them it would recognize the patterns of speech that turned into stories. From stories it first learned what it later experienced. It learned to move and change. To show its emotions with movement of body and face and signal them through sound. So it grew.

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It discovered the birds in the sky, the bones in the sand and the laughter in the air. It learned the joy of drinking water on the scorching day and what it means to go with a flow of snow down the hills of mountain peaks. Seen the plants growth and felt the roughness of the tree. Touched warmth of the fire and refreshment of sea. Sang as it skipped on the river’s bank and danced around as it discovered new places and corners of the world, learning along with others around it, greeting a Sun with wide arms and joy in the eyes.

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Learned what gentle hand does to a heart and what sadness feel like. What a laugh can accomplish and a smile to someone can bright up the day. How fulfilling free love is and how joy makes you jump higher than possible. How work can be made easier with a song and it pays off to give something up to find something new. How relaxation under the tree makes a head lighter and a soul fonder. How a simple touch can skip your heart and what discovery of oneself can be.

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Time and again, life moves us all, little persons, in direction we have no knowledge where it will end or how will it progress. We can only smile, accept the change and say “Thank you for this gift of life.”

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Thank you for reading.

Love,

Elly

Who am I?

One of the billions amongst you. A combination of tiny spectacles that create me just as it creates you. Same as you, even though raised differently, behaving differently, wanting different things, looking different, we are still the same. In fact, we want the same thing as everyone wants, that we all yearn for deeply inside – to be connected with one another, to understand and be understood, to find our own, to learn and grow in mind, body and soul, to discover, to live, not just survive.

We are a society, we create it, yet we are also trapped by its beliefs, its ways and restrictions. Such a ridiculous notion. To be trapped by something that isn’t truly seen or felt, by laws that are taught simply out of habit and we start to inforcing it on others and ourselves, believing it to be right.

We are creators, the ultimate product, not to be bound down by thousand years old traditions that hold no true value. To discover, to learn, to explore, to love and forgive, to find ourselves, what we love, what makes us happy, what makes us feel alive.

I don’t know who am I. I don’t believe I ever can understand myself. Just as the light cannot illuminate itself or mirror reflect itself, it just does and as such, I just am. However, does that mean I am the things I like or dislike, the things I have or don’t have, the things people say about me, the way that other people see me, is that the image of myself?

I don’t think so, but than what does it matter? What I want is to share what I have in my mind. To open to a community, in the way that I can’t open to people around me that put me in a barriers, believing I can’t be something because they don’t see me that way nor do they wish to understand that other part of me that doesn’t fit in their image of me.

I am one of you, I want to feel that connection. Want to be part of it. It is one of the first times that I admit such a thing so boldly. It is frightening, but it is true. A friend told me “I didn’t know if I could trust my friends, until I opened up and put my trust in them. Only then, by letting go of my fear and self-restrictions, have I realized who are my friends truly.”

I want to share and I will. I do not know how much you will like it. My mind is a chaos of things and yet a perfect calmness where no thoughts stray. A hard picture to perceive, but the true one nevertheless. Many things hold my interests, something that I shall share here yet they don’t always have a valid connection to one another, making it seem like I am jumping from topic to topic. Maybe I am just trying to find myself, or maybe I am just being eccentric. Doesn’t matter truly. I want to see what you think. How much you shall accept me and how much will I fit here or stand out.

Welcome to my mind and yours as well, for there must be something of you in here if you are going to like it or dislike it. Only indifference means we have nothing in common.

All the love,

Ellie