Dreams of goals

Weed confession – I never really put it here that I tend to smoke from time to time. Mind you, my approach to it is either smoke for few days in a row, when I feel it  and then not smoke for a while. But, I tend to be like that with everyting in my life, so this is no suprise. I suppose I thought that people would feel against it and as such, wouldn’t wish to be part of this anymore, no matter how small it currently is. But, my conclusion about life right now is that honesty is the best policy.

The thing that I also found that weed can make my brain go in overdrive, thinking more deeply about things than really necessary for anyone who doesn’t like to complicate their lives. Me, for better or worse, do tend to do that. But, what I really wanted to share today is a short confession that I wrote that kinda describes my deeper current mindset which happened when I was high, thus he first paragraph.

I don’t wish to be succesful just,

I want to reach for the stars

Feel how it is to be a star

For she is made of what I am made of.

Not just see the wild waves and pass them through on my way to school

I want to feel them as I feel myself,

Totally and completely.

If that is not fullfilled, the ultimate happiness of living, how can I be happy?

Even if I have a success in business, the joy won’t be full because I would feel the emptiness

That only one with everything

remembering that I am a creator and planets,

birds and oak trees,

all that is, is me, as well.

Light and God,

One and everything.

That I am part of this energy that is everything and all.

It is the ultimate power, the ultimate truth.

And you truly know this,

And once you feel it and know by heart,

Then your conciousness and your mind will automatically know it, as well.

But, knowing intelectually is not all there is.

In fact, it is a lower level of knowing – learned theory, one that you may or may not apply in life and what use is that?

A level that you need, but is not enough.

However, it will happen on its own accord, you will know intelectually of itself if you know it first by feeling it, by breathing it, by living the truth.

Which is a joy to know, for now you can skip thousands of books

Who all tell you in the end the same truth.

Just live and be lived through,

Life wants to flow

Don’t stop it with fear spready by a mad society.

Let yourself live as a god on earth in a sense that what you think you become and that is ultimate godhood and so become true to your heritage.

Only that is the truth.

And only that matters.

We used to forget for we were playing and we wanted to take the play to the next level.

Now, we are stuck in this play for a moment of time.

And once we reach the truth again

We’ll probably want to forget again for it is the nature of play  and it is the only way that you can have the illusion of free will and free choice.

Only when you are cut of the whole, or better to say, your mind forgets it is part of the whole, can there be created an illusion of existence as a individual unit, Of self, of a personality that you use to function in this world of society and this form of existence.

But, once you remember, you go back to the universe level. You live and exist purely in the form of energy and there are no desires, no dreams, no past or future, only now.

And that’s why we like to play the game of forgetting.

After all, only in the game can we experience the ups and downs, joys and sorrows, in its illusionist form where everything can be created, from biggest peaks of humanity to worst tragedies that you can imagine and that makes all the fun in the world possible.

It is a bit reformed for the sake of better understanding for I wrote some sentences in the way that are not neither gramatically correct nor much understandable. However, this is something that occupies my mind a lot lately and hopefully, there are some individuals out there that think similary 🙂

Until next time,

Lots of love,

Eli

 

 

Airports beliefs

I feel the best when I am just going on a trip. I don’t like packing to be honest. All the thinking and rethinking, making it fit in one small suitcase is just terrible. But when you start to head to the airport… Well, now that is the other story. A sense of calm overcomes me every time, makes me feel centered and on point. Nothing can disturb me there no matter how chaotic it is. Cancellation flight, nervous people, rushing and ques. All is good then, i have no troubles with the world. It is the stagnation, the placement in one place all the time that makes me nervous, jittery and an absolute nightmare to deal with sometimes. At least I feel like that. All this people, so many of them and so different yet all with the same goal – of going somewhere else. It creates something wonderful, I believe. A certain specialness that is hard to top anywhere else. After all, the airport can be the happiest place on earth. Place where you reunite with family, old friends and lovers. Where you find new people and start on new journey’s. Quite a wonder to exist isn’t it? It is a place where you let go of the old to get to new point. Where new points become old ones and old ones new. It is this rediscovering process that when fully appreciated and consciously experienced, can be magical for your soul, body and mind.
I feel the best when I am just going on a trip. I don’t like packing to be honest. All the thinking and rethinking, making it fit in one small suitcase is just terrible. But when you start to head to the airport… Well, now that is the other story. A sense of calm overcomes me every time, makes me feel centered and on point. Nothing can disturb me there no matter how chaotic it is. Cancellation flight, nervous people, rushing and ques. All is good then, i have no troubles with the world. It is the stagnation, the placement in one place all the time that makes me nervous, jittery and an absolute nightmare to deal with sometimes. At least I feel like that. All this people, so many of them and so different yet all with the same goal – of going somewhere else. It creates something wonderful, I believe. A certain specialness that is hard to top anywhere else. After all, the airport can be the happiest place on earth. Place where you reunite with family, old friends and lovers. Where you find new people and start on new journey’s. Quite a wonder to exist isn’t it? It is a place where you let go of the old to get to new point. Where new points become old ones and old ones new. It is this rediscovering process that when fully appreciated and consciously experienced, can be magical for your soul, body and mind.

{Music. Eiffel 65 – Blue (KNY Factory Remix}

You would think the world is at fault with how much things can go wrong and how much we complain about it. But, since coming here, I became certain in two things in my life.

One – every situation that you find yourself in is defined by your way of looking into things and colouring them with your own perception, emotions and beliefs of life. So, if you are in a very bad position, it is due to your mind perception of a said situation. The situation simply is, if it is bad or not depends entirely on you. Because you will be the one who perceives it as it, so you can also change your perspectivness of it. So, basically, with enough flexibility and control to exercise it, you can change your surroundings simply by changing the way you look at them. Many people wish for happy feelings and when they feel uncomfortable or not completely content, they declare that situation bad.

Everything bad can become good. Same for good. Which brings me to my second conclusion.

Second thing is that if you are constantly failing at something or the things don’t work out the way you believed it should, the universe is simply giving you disguised directions. That way doesn’t work, try the other way, quite simple if you think about it. You just have to listen, pay attention to things that work out, the way you are doing something which in the end gives your result and then you will know which way and how to go. After all, you need to arrive somewhere and the energy that you put into something, even if it doesn’t work out, has to at one point come back to you. If you are starting a business or trying something new and it isn’t work out, it is alright. The effort you put into will be repaid in some ways later on. Simply because you toughened up through the difficult experience, it means that later on it will definitely be easier. It is a most known law of action and reaction. And the universe directs you in a bit of difficult way to the point where you need to go so that things become easier.

So, failure and the ability to adjust are your way of maturing to something better. It is all in the mind. So, if you control how the world around you can look, imagine how beautiful and magical you can make it happen. And what fun it is to actually play a game we call life. You just have to get up every day and start playing it and you won’t need this words to believe me, you will know it yourself.

Love and all the best in playing the game

Ellie

 

 

{Music. Avicii – Dear Boy}

A little poem for all those that dreamed of loves that never came to pass, but still love the memory of it.

And for those who did 😉

It took ten days for her to fall in love. It took ten seconds for her to fall out of it.

She liked his long eyelashes and sly curving smile. Liked the way he spoke and the mimics of his face.
What he strived for and what he dreamed off. Made her want more for herself as well.

He was two worlds in one and she never wanted more to uncover both of them as much as she did in those 10 days of her bliss.

Lack of laughs, contact and phone calls made it die away, like a flower in the wake of frozen rain, falling apart, turning into the dust until only the memory of the name remained.

But that’s alright, because in life, she learned, you sometimes need only few dreams to change you for the better and few seconds to wish yourself a better individual forever.

Life is weird and so am I

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So, the blog is becoming a diary it seems as today is a recap of my day.
I woke up wonderful, finally rested after a week of constant work in a restaurant where I found a job as a waitress for a minimal wage so that I could stay in London.
Today I had a interview for a better paid job and was really looking forward to it. I mean really looking forward to it.

I woke up, my friends who took me in already off on their University’s and I stayed with a lovely cat, Mimi. Shower, meditation, laundry and food with a bit of book reading passed my time until 3 o’clock when I had to leave to get to the interview at 4 o’clock.

So, here is a thing, when you go to such interview you have to have a proof of living somewhere. Mine was a gas bill. Now, I would love to say that the cat slept on it or something and I didn’t see it but the simple fact is that I forgot it as I was leaving.
I was walking down the street from my house, happy that I won’t be late when I was hit with the thought ‘the gas bill!’
I think I kinda creeped out the guy that walked behind me when I suddenly stopped, grabbed my head and started muttering “fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck”

Now, you would probably say, no worries, just go back and take it, you’ll be late ten minutes, but oh well. Ha! As if.

See, I am a guest in the flat not a flatmate which in translation means that I have no key to get back in. Some would pose a question ‘how the heck do you lock the door when you leave?’
The doors have some kind of very secure lock that automatically locks behind you. You need a key to get in, nothing else gets past them.

I believe it was the universe itself that made me shut the window that day, but not actually pulling the handle in place and locking it.

Here’s a thing. The apartment is in the building on the first floor. Right in front of that window is the roof of the ground apartment and thus an access to crazy ass people like me. Problem is, it is still too tall to just climb the bare wall and I would need a ladder, but I admit, sometimes I am just plain crazy in my decisions and plans that others would simply deem foolish. Plus, absolutely everybody knows that I am as clumsy as they come and I have no idea how everybody survived around me as I carry a tray with food and drinks about (FIY, I only had two accidents in this week and a half that I work which I think is contratibuted to my lucky star in the sky).
Keep in my mind that I left the cat in the flat (she ain’t really our cat, she just moved in so we have to let her out when we leave so she doesn’t piss somewhere) as I expected my friends to be back by 5pm and she slept so peacefully I didn’t have a heart to push her out. Big mistake as I read the text on my phone when I left that they won’t be back until after 9pm. So, I needed to get the gas bill and get the cat out.
I still don’t know how I managed it. My mind just started supplying me with half okay ideas on how to get in and I didn’t think much about it before I did them.
I just know that I grabbed a trash box by the entrance and pushed it against the wall. Heaven knows how I didn’t freak out the neighbors with the noise enough to get them to check what the hell is dragging a trash can about. I was kinda hoping someone would get out so I could ask for a ladder. Nobody came,unfortunately (or fortunately?).
The trash can didn’t work. My head just reached the top of the roof which is flat and had nothing to grab on.
But, there is a small wall by the ground flat which is supposed to part away the road and parking of the building from the supposed garden which only has grass and a tree in it. The wall isn’t wide in length, to be clear. However, everything was welcome in that moment.
So, I climbed the wall, pulled the trash can on it and tried to balance it somehow. Let me tell you, it certainly wasn’t balanced enough that anyone would tell you ‘come, hop on, it is as safe as it can be’ it was secure enough at best and I was somehow on it in seconds. I somehow managed to push my bag on the roof and was looking how to pull myself up as well. Twice the trash box almost went off from my feet. I somehow grabbed and pulled myself up and I still wonder how the heck haven’t I broke my neck. Off I went to the window, opened it and jumped in like some kind of ninja. I didn’t freak out the neighbour’s, but I certainly did freak out the cat. She looked at me with eyes clearly saying “What is wrong with you?” I wonder, as well.

Kick the cat out – check (it was very gentle in practice). Grab the bill – checked.
Get to the interview – fail of outmost failures.
Off I went, puffing and thinking fanatically on how to get.
Anyone who lives in London knows how bloody big it is and how you need to leave at least an hour time to get somewhere on time. I had 20 minutes. Citymapper, a wonderful, lovely app that I love fully and unconditionally only had one option on how to get to place in 20 min. Call a cab. Call an Uber cab for which you need an app on your phone because the London is so advanced that calling the cab the usual way – by phone – is so out of fashion.
Anyone that knows me even a little bit will know that I never have memory on my phone because it is crowded by photos and editing apps. I think I deleted about a dozen apps that I need to get back online in my attempt to download the app for the taxi. Only, my darling phone is a bit of a grandpa lately and didn’t get the notification that there is space being created for Uber taxi app. Only thing he had to say to me after deleting dozen of apps is sorry, storage space too full. Reseting didn’t jog his calculation back on track either.
When technology doesn’t work, you turn towards something else – kindness of people. I hate to do that to be honest.
So I stopped about five people with a question can they call me a cab until finally a lady I stopped had an app for it. It wasn’t Uber, it was a Cabbie, but I wasn’t picky. It was so wonderful that somebody actually wished to waste 10 minutes to call a cab for a stranger. The lady said it will be in 11 minutes and will cost me 15 pounds. I was willing to give 30 pounds at that moment to be there on time.
I waited for 18 minutes, looking about, flinching at every horn that sounded until I gave up and run for the Kentish Town station to get on the tube. The main reason I didn’t want to go on tube was because of being late, now it was my only option which I knew. I managed to get there in 25 minutes from one part of town to the other. Only, I was late 40 minutes and wasn’t let in. Only thing I got was that to call them for the reschedulment of the interview. I doubt they’ll let me come back, but here’s what I learned – the Old Street part of town is lovely and I like it a lot, I need to start writing things that I need down before leaving the house, start way earlier when going somewhere and Starbucks is a savior.  I dragged myself about, ready to head to the university to get the keys from my friends so I could get in the flat cuz I shut the window and wasn’t ready ro repeat it that soon when the Starbucks showed it’s presence on the corner of the street. Chai tea latte and carrot cake actually do help calm your mood.

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I don’t recommend climbing the roofs for anybody. It makes you sweaty and certainly isn’t fun if you fall. I do recommend Starbucks though it is an expansive mother chucker.
Hope your day was a bit more calmer and restful then mine
Until next time…
Love,
Elli

London / a mix of thoughts

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London is a stunning mixture of old values and manners of thinking represented in a modern way of communication and functioning in the world. That is to say, it is a place where new things can grow while old ones remain – a balance rarely seen anywhere.

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Change here is not stopped or denied. It is taken in stride and adds up to the solid foundation of this lifestyle. I personally believe that the adaptivity is the most important thing in remaining a successful and wealthy in whichever form you wish to express it.
This has been a rather large cultural shock, as well, for someone who grew up in a different environment and mindset. It sits quite well with me what is happening here. People are approachable, helpful and kind to smile back to you which brings up motivation, a belief that people can be wonderful creatures if given a chance, freedom and kindness.

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War, I believe, has poisoned Croatia too much for it to come as easy as it does here. We are taught to complain, yet scarcely to do anything about it. To sigh, but not to get up on our feet and call for change. To occupy ourselves with petty gossip, but never ask right questions to our government.

It is a sad combination of turning a blind eye and willing yourself to a lazy creature of bitterness that we soon become.
The Britain is a different story. One I haven’t completely uncovered so I do not trust myself to speak about it untill I do.
The bottom line of this little post is that should you ever wish to see a functioning mechanism that results in power and achievement, go to London and the streets alone will show the country of kings and queens.

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Quote

Bella

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Always Something There to Remind Me.”

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{Music. Maitre Gims – Bella}

He sees her across the lavish restaurant. The music is live and guitar can be heard clearly amongst the other instruments and singing voices. Her skin is glowing under the lights, her hair waves of chocolate and her eyes big and light, enchanting when they meet his across the room.

Bella.

She moves like she is made of air and water, all smooth moves and light steps, graceful in her approach. His heart stutters when she smiles, enchanting him even more.

Bella.

He doesn’t remember how they meet, so pulled in her green eyes with speckles of gold he was. He doesn’t remember what he said, only her laugh, loud and honest. It sounds even sweeter later, when she laughs low against his ear as he holds her.

Bella.

He knew that they are dancing in the moments that come. He is never more grateful for having learned all the dances as the stumbling, young boy. Now, he is grateful he is no longer clumsy, so that he may follow this beauty with a grace of a swan across the dance room and reflecting lights.

Bella.

She was truly beautiful, with her smoky eyed make-up, lips painted red, enhancing the fullness of them and the whiteness of her teeth. Her hair done in perfect curls as they tumbled down her open back and mocca-colored skin sprinkled lightly with a perfume he came to associate with her.

Bella.

He thinks he loved her at the sight. He thinks it is possible. Even before he knew her little quirks and secrets. Even before he knew that she only loved apple pie as a dessert and refused any other sweets. That she loved spicy food and enjoyed the various cultures. That she loved to travel in a summer, but in winter liked to stay curled in her home. That she had six different laughs and he was still counting. Before he knew how beautiful she looked after taking the shower, all clean and fresh, natural in her grace and bare as she laid before him.

Bella.

He loved her since the first time he seen her and he never forgets how fitting the music accompanying their first gaze was.

Bella.

He thinks how lucky he is that she accepts him so, even his quiet demur where he smiles at her whenever she enters the room, but doesn’t know how to express his admiration and love so well in words as she does. But, he thinks that’s alright, because she always smiles with warmth in her eyes, making them shine when he leaves roses for her, makes her dinner or kisses her good morning. He thinks action is just as telling as words, if not more.

Bella.

He thinks that she is his Bella and he is finally breathing life since he met her.

It was just too sweet not to write though since I didn’t have a radio nor my set of headphones with me, I had to relay on my playlist on my phone and shuffle it. This came up and immediately the idea formed. Hope you like it.

Song is Maitre Gims – Bella if you missed the link at the beginning.

Love

Ellie

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