Dreams of goals

Weed confession – I never really put it here that I tend to smoke from time to time. Mind you, my approach to it is either smoke for few days in a row, when I feel it  and then not smoke for a while. But, I tend to be like that with everyting in my life, so this is no suprise. I suppose I thought that people would feel against it and as such, wouldn’t wish to be part of this anymore, no matter how small it currently is. But, my conclusion about life right now is that honesty is the best policy.

The thing that I also found that weed can make my brain go in overdrive, thinking more deeply about things than really necessary for anyone who doesn’t like to complicate their lives. Me, for better or worse, do tend to do that. But, what I really wanted to share today is a short confession that I wrote that kinda describes my deeper current mindset which happened when I was high, thus he first paragraph.

I don’t wish to be succesful just,

I want to reach for the stars

Feel how it is to be a star

For she is made of what I am made of.

Not just see the wild waves and pass them through on my way to school

I want to feel them as I feel myself,

Totally and completely.

If that is not fullfilled, the ultimate happiness of living, how can I be happy?

Even if I have a success in business, the joy won’t be full because I would feel the emptiness

That only one with everything

remembering that I am a creator and planets,

birds and oak trees,

all that is, is me, as well.

Light and God,

One and everything.

That I am part of this energy that is everything and all.

It is the ultimate power, the ultimate truth.

And you truly know this,

And once you feel it and know by heart,

Then your conciousness and your mind will automatically know it, as well.

But, knowing intelectually is not all there is.

In fact, it is a lower level of knowing – learned theory, one that you may or may not apply in life and what use is that?

A level that you need, but is not enough.

However, it will happen on its own accord, you will know intelectually of itself if you know it first by feeling it, by breathing it, by living the truth.

Which is a joy to know, for now you can skip thousands of books

Who all tell you in the end the same truth.

Just live and be lived through,

Life wants to flow

Don’t stop it with fear spready by a mad society.

Let yourself live as a god on earth in a sense that what you think you become and that is ultimate godhood and so become true to your heritage.

Only that is the truth.

And only that matters.

We used to forget for we were playing and we wanted to take the play to the next level.

Now, we are stuck in this play for a moment of time.

And once we reach the truth again

We’ll probably want to forget again for it is the nature of play  and it is the only way that you can have the illusion of free will and free choice.

Only when you are cut of the whole, or better to say, your mind forgets it is part of the whole, can there be created an illusion of existence as a individual unit, Of self, of a personality that you use to function in this world of society and this form of existence.

But, once you remember, you go back to the universe level. You live and exist purely in the form of energy and there are no desires, no dreams, no past or future, only now.

And that’s why we like to play the game of forgetting.

After all, only in the game can we experience the ups and downs, joys and sorrows, in its illusionist form where everything can be created, from biggest peaks of humanity to worst tragedies that you can imagine and that makes all the fun in the world possible.

It is a bit reformed for the sake of better understanding for I wrote some sentences in the way that are not neither gramatically correct nor much understandable. However, this is something that occupies my mind a lot lately and hopefully, there are some individuals out there that think similary 🙂

Until next time,

Lots of love,

Eli

 

 

{Music. Kygo feat. Maty Noyes – Stay}

 

It’s strange how thoughts just start to follow one another. I never thought before much about romance and yet now, since coming to this magical place of London, people that I find beautiful and fascinating just keep popping up and they become gorgeous in my eyes the more I get to know them. Honestly, I don’t even know where to turn and focus, on which person to look at more. And they all equally deserve the same focus because they are all equally enchanting in their own ways. It is a hardship, but in a certain sweet kind of way if that makes sense.

Don’t know how much others experienced this transaction from one end to the other in their life, but it can be quite enlightening about what kind of person you can become and what you can do to make others happier and what kind of actions can make others sad.

But, it is actually disturbing when you realize how much we give up responsibility. Not gonna say give up control because if we really did give up control fully and enjoy whatever came to our life then it would be way easier and more fulfilling to live it. But, people always place the reason and the responsibility of their happiness on other people.

He is my boyfriend so he has to take care of me just the way I like it and I will be happy. If he doesn’t, I feel sad and that is his fault.

My mom didn’t congratulate me my birthday today so I am depressed.

My teacher didn’t praise me today so I will not study for her class anymore.

My friend didn’t text me back…

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One hundred and one reason of why you feel sad and then you place the blame on others like it is their job to make you happy. Every person is responsible for only one person and one person only – and that is itself.

Every other action taken to make someone else happy is considered a gift, not an obligation. And as such, should be valued whenever given and not angered or sad when not.

Why not? Simply because if you yourself first can’t make yourself happy than no one can make you happy, not truly. Because you will always depend on that person to make you happy and that is never a way of being happy for long. Then it is fleeting and usually brings more pain than pleasure.

Also, if you can’t be happy with yourself and expect others to make you happy, you are actually putting a horrible burden on others and even worse responsibility that nobody wants and they always leave in the end because it is an impossible task to fulfill.

I honestly think that many people approach relationships wrong. They approach usually with an illusion of what the person should be and is. As they meet they adjust their perspective one way or other. Expectations follow. I’ll be stereotypical here simply to make a point, not to make it seem as if it is truly like that. A girl wants flowers before every date, guys want sex after every date. If it is not fulfilled, they don’t like it and put the blame on the other significant.

That is no way to really go about because you will always end up disappointed in the end. No one can meet your expectations fully because no one can read your mind and no should actually. Everyone is their won person and what you expect is the extension of your persona and to expect someone to fill up all the check points is impossible to achieve.

But, love… Love can change all that. Just loving, not forcing or changing anything or anyone, just feeling that joy and love. Dance and sign with it. Work and create with it changes you and later on the world for the better.

After all, there is a reason for the saying love yourself first before you can love anybody else. Well, I am not sure that is really how it goes, but the point is the important one. Once you learn to enjoy yourself, you want need others to make you feel joy. But, sharing is caring and thus sharing your joy with someone familiar will just intensify it for the better and that makes a true relationship matter all the more.

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{Music. Eiffel 65 – Blue (KNY Factory Remix}

You would think the world is at fault with how much things can go wrong and how much we complain about it. But, since coming here, I became certain in two things in my life.

One – every situation that you find yourself in is defined by your way of looking into things and colouring them with your own perception, emotions and beliefs of life. So, if you are in a very bad position, it is due to your mind perception of a said situation. The situation simply is, if it is bad or not depends entirely on you. Because you will be the one who perceives it as it, so you can also change your perspectivness of it. So, basically, with enough flexibility and control to exercise it, you can change your surroundings simply by changing the way you look at them. Many people wish for happy feelings and when they feel uncomfortable or not completely content, they declare that situation bad.

Everything bad can become good. Same for good. Which brings me to my second conclusion.

Second thing is that if you are constantly failing at something or the things don’t work out the way you believed it should, the universe is simply giving you disguised directions. That way doesn’t work, try the other way, quite simple if you think about it. You just have to listen, pay attention to things that work out, the way you are doing something which in the end gives your result and then you will know which way and how to go. After all, you need to arrive somewhere and the energy that you put into something, even if it doesn’t work out, has to at one point come back to you. If you are starting a business or trying something new and it isn’t work out, it is alright. The effort you put into will be repaid in some ways later on. Simply because you toughened up through the difficult experience, it means that later on it will definitely be easier. It is a most known law of action and reaction. And the universe directs you in a bit of difficult way to the point where you need to go so that things become easier.

So, failure and the ability to adjust are your way of maturing to something better. It is all in the mind. So, if you control how the world around you can look, imagine how beautiful and magical you can make it happen. And what fun it is to actually play a game we call life. You just have to get up every day and start playing it and you won’t need this words to believe me, you will know it yourself.

Love and all the best in playing the game

Ellie

 

 

Quote

Bella

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Always Something There to Remind Me.”

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{Music. Maitre Gims – Bella}

He sees her across the lavish restaurant. The music is live and guitar can be heard clearly amongst the other instruments and singing voices. Her skin is glowing under the lights, her hair waves of chocolate and her eyes big and light, enchanting when they meet his across the room.

Bella.

She moves like she is made of air and water, all smooth moves and light steps, graceful in her approach. His heart stutters when she smiles, enchanting him even more.

Bella.

He doesn’t remember how they meet, so pulled in her green eyes with speckles of gold he was. He doesn’t remember what he said, only her laugh, loud and honest. It sounds even sweeter later, when she laughs low against his ear as he holds her.

Bella.

He knew that they are dancing in the moments that come. He is never more grateful for having learned all the dances as the stumbling, young boy. Now, he is grateful he is no longer clumsy, so that he may follow this beauty with a grace of a swan across the dance room and reflecting lights.

Bella.

She was truly beautiful, with her smoky eyed make-up, lips painted red, enhancing the fullness of them and the whiteness of her teeth. Her hair done in perfect curls as they tumbled down her open back and mocca-colored skin sprinkled lightly with a perfume he came to associate with her.

Bella.

He thinks he loved her at the sight. He thinks it is possible. Even before he knew her little quirks and secrets. Even before he knew that she only loved apple pie as a dessert and refused any other sweets. That she loved spicy food and enjoyed the various cultures. That she loved to travel in a summer, but in winter liked to stay curled in her home. That she had six different laughs and he was still counting. Before he knew how beautiful she looked after taking the shower, all clean and fresh, natural in her grace and bare as she laid before him.

Bella.

He loved her since the first time he seen her and he never forgets how fitting the music accompanying their first gaze was.

Bella.

He thinks how lucky he is that she accepts him so, even his quiet demur where he smiles at her whenever she enters the room, but doesn’t know how to express his admiration and love so well in words as she does. But, he thinks that’s alright, because she always smiles with warmth in her eyes, making them shine when he leaves roses for her, makes her dinner or kisses her good morning. He thinks action is just as telling as words, if not more.

Bella.

He thinks that she is his Bella and he is finally breathing life since he met her.

It was just too sweet not to write though since I didn’t have a radio nor my set of headphones with me, I had to relay on my playlist on my phone and shuffle it. This came up and immediately the idea formed. Hope you like it.

Song is Maitre Gims – Bella if you missed the link at the beginning.

Love

Ellie

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A golden coin

{Music. Kygo – Firestone (& others)}

For a while, I had thoughts tumbling though my head of action and reaction. Everything you do kinda get’s back at you, and everything you do also affects others in different ways. Like waves in the oceans who glide and slide, overlap and emerge in a dance as they follow one another without a thought or conscious decision. You start one thing and it leads to a completely unexpected development. It inspired this little story here.

An older gentleman was walking down the square littered with stands filled with fresh vegetables and fruits. He came to buy his wife a bouquet of flowers as he did every Sunday for past 28 years. White lilacs, he chosen for today and wore them proudly in the crook of his arm, with a content smile on his face.

Passing a corner, he saw an elderly woman sitting on a floor, face creased in frowns and hand stretched out in an endless plea. Feeling specially inclined on that fine day, he took out a shiny golden coin and one lilac flower and gave them to the old woman with a smile peaking from his trimmed and shaped mustaches. His arm felt lighter without a large, bubbling lilac head and heart lighting up at the look of wonder and joy spreading through woman’s face making it for a slip of the second look young and child-like again, as the hooded eyes opened up in wonder, smile revealing a few missing teeth and forehead smoothing out from its saddened life struggles.

The golden coin twinkled through the leathery fingers. The gentleman tipped his hat and left. The flower withered away in a slip of the time. The coin travelled in a pocket of a dress until the woman felt hunger beyond tell and gave it in exchange of a hot meal and good night’s sleep.

The young, pimply out-of-school man slipped it in his pocket instead of the cash register. He took it home and played with it under the light’s lamp, admiring its unique shine, deciding one day he will have millions of coins like this starting immediately. The next day, as he hurried to work with new determination and plan, pushing through the hordes of people and city yells and shouts, the coin silently slipped from his pocket and flew through air in a graceful, but unseen arch and scattered around the feet of hurrying people. It finally settled once the morning rush subdued and in sudden calmness it’s light attracted a young woman’s eye. She picked it up and decided it is a sign. You see, that day she had a job interview that she wasn’t sure she wanted to even go to, purely for the reason of thinking she wasn’t adequate enough. The lucky coin gave her a sign to not, after all, change her mind and call her friend to spend the day moaning and whining away.

She shouldered her bag full with her art and portfolio and headed to a new possibility. She twisted and turned the lucky coin in her palm through the whole thing and when three days later, she got a phone call that she is accepted, kissed the coin and run down to the fountain at the small square on which her balcony looked over. With a wide smile she flicked it in the air and watched its descend into the clear water surrounded by marble and wished it to bring luck to somebody just as it did to her.

The coin happily shined along with others numberless coins at the bottom of the fountain.

Seconds or hours later, curious boy leaned over the edge and spied the golden coin. When his mother wasn’t looking, quickly as a kitten, he reached out and took it, mindful to take no other. Raising it towards the sky, his eyes sparkled at finding such treasure just like all those pirates did in stories his mama read him. He took it home with him, inspecting it every now and then, caressing the smooth flat surface with small engravement of a butterfly and caterpillar on the other.

It stayed with him until one day, a boy’s mother refused to buy him a new toy. Defiant ad angry at a such an abrupt and unexpected rejection, he stepped up to the counter, laying the toy and the coin with an angry pout. The cashier raised its eyebrows, but inspecting the coin, approved and wrapped the toy much to the child’s delight and mother’s confusion.

The coin shortly lived in a darkness of the register for the other time it opened, it was taken out for an exchange of a largely quota bill and given to smiling old grandma and was put in a small purse.

The old grandma had a granddaughter who she loved dearly and always gave her something at the end of her visit.

This visit she set her down and started her flow of wise and gentle words.

“My dear, whatever you do, do it with kindness and honest heart. Wherever you go, bring joy rather than sorrow. Accept change for it walks hand in hand with both life and death and it is their best friend. Learning is a gift to appreciate and sharing is a way of love. Love is a jewel when found demanding to be nourished and cherished with beautiful thoughts and small joys, not smothered by petty jealousies and resentments. Be strong, kind and positive for than beauty will fall through your eyes and your heart will heal others. Whatever you do, do it your best, even if you don’t like it. Wherever you go, go with open heart and understanding mind. Those, child, are the secrets to a wonderful life. And this is to remind you of that every day until it is engraved in foundations of your life.”, and she took the coin out and gave it to the young granddaughter with a smile. “My dear, love is all we got and a smile never hurted anybody.”

What if we all had a small coin that gleaned and reminded us of a joy that life can be?

With love and coins,

Ellie

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Old movies and new art

{Music. Parov Stelar – Catgroove}

Movies are a source of wonder for everybody. And every type of movie has its magic that captures us. But, also every period when each movie was made gave the special kinda feeling that is hard to repeat after that time has passed.

I found that I love old movies only recently. They are simpler and sophisticated, and there is something wonderful and beautiful in them. I admit, since English is my second language, I had a bit of difficultly to understand the old phrases in the beginning, but luckily for me and my reading obsession, the use of subtitles greatly helped (to be clear, it is english subtitles because I am a sadist and like to torture myself in nice, small ways)

Of course, you can’t watch old movies without encountering the stars of old Hollywood. And one of those stars is the elegant, graceful Audrey Hepburn.

Even my mother, who simply can’t watch most new movies since she never learned to actually watch a movie, found her to be a delight when she watched My Fair Lady. First time that I saw her on the screen was, of course, the classic – Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She blew my mind away to be honest.

Her elegance and beauty captured me. She reminded me of a doe which was further confirmed when I learned and saw she had a pet deer. It also inspired this art process. And since I am an artist, as much as a writer, I wanted to share one of little delights in my life.

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It is oil paint and it is the second time ever that I work with such technique so I think it came out pretty good. I think I did the sketch at least two dozen times, it was ridiculous in the end when I had more left overs from the eraser than an actual eraser.

For me personally, the beginning is always the hardest. When you have already some lines you kinda already know how to, where to follow, but on blank your eye kinda tricks you and makes you go an inch away, but enough to make a difference and for you to have to erase and try again. Now that I think about it, life is kinda similar, isn’t it? You need to make some lines before you find the good one. Make some decision to find out which decision suits you best.

Audrey was a delight to paint as much as her hair was a, pardon my uncouth language, a pain in the ass. But, I am glad to have done it. And, gosh, who knew that oil paint can take up to two weeks to dry completely? I certainly didn’t. Talk about a surprise when I found that out. And I was so excited with planing a trip to town to get it framed in some classy, chic frame and present it my mother.

It seems that once again something old inspired something new. Old movies, I think, will always remain a source of inspiration in ways that new ones never will be, at least never in the same way. But, that difference is a such a delight to have isn’t it? Something for everybody to lose themselves in.

I am happy to answer any questions about art and art making process if anybody is interested.

Until then,

have a lovely night (or day) wherever you are!

Love,

Ellie

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Staring once again in this weird Wonderland

{Music. Epic music}

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I know I haven’t been keeping my blog as I imagined. Shameful, I am aware. But, I wish to start again, to share. One of the reasons why I haven’t posted anything is because I got lost in my head considering the question, what on earth can I share that might be so important for others to read? Why bother? But than today I thought, nothing came from not bothering anyways. What can you lose in the end? I will either listen to music or write a post, it is not like I am going to do anything really productive either way, so here I am again.

Many changes happened lately though I didn’t expect them or planned them. I started working at a small theater as a volunteer to see if I am interested in that kind of lifestyle. Turns out I would love to try to be a director. I like how things are dictated and how you decided where everything goes. Your design coming to life the way you want it. So, it seems that I finally have some sense of where I would like to go down the end of this rabbit hole. For now, I am first learning everything that I can.

I also dyed my hair pink.

medarlingIt washed off mostly by now since it is not a permanent paint, but it was so nice to see it like that, to stand out even though people stare. It showed me something, something that I used to hide a lot as a teen because you don’t want to be mocked at, but now who gives a damn? I certainly just want to live my wonderland dream. I started realising how much I am bored by the same old mundane things that I have been seeing my whole life. I couldn’t look at the long dark, blond hair anymore no matter how pretty it may be to others. For me it was boring, seen already on countless other heads. So, I bought the paint and colored the bathroom pink and purple along with the water that ran down the drain. I felt like I was discovering myself anew. It is almost seems that the moment you were born you forgot who you really are in this life and as you grow, you start finding yourself piece by piece. I am not saying I will have pink hair for the rest of my life. It damages hair way too much for my comfort (especially long hair), but simply what she represents is what makes her important. Something vibrant, something different, new, unusual. Something that stands out. Something that I see in myself and that now I want others to start to see as well – my style.

Also, with that I realised how much I silently cried out for new things, new experiences, new people. Travelling, I discovered, is the answer. I am finishing a course of graphic design in the June and then I am hopefully off to see the world on my own. I am taking you all with me, to see how much I can survive with only a smart phone, clothes and some money in my pocket.

They say such experiences changes you, makes you realise all that you can be and do. I wish to see that in myself, to experience that change and find that knowledge.

I hope you are all finding new things about you every day. Wouldn’t it be great if we, like children, are carefree and our soul purpose is enjoying and learning life every single day whatever may it be?

This, I suppose is just a small entry at the start of the new chapter.

Lots of love

Elly