{Music. Kygo feat. Maty Noyes – Stay}

 

It’s strange how thoughts just start to follow one another. I never thought before much about romance and yet now, since coming to this magical place of London, people that I find beautiful and fascinating just keep popping up and they become gorgeous in my eyes the more I get to know them. Honestly, I don’t even know where to turn and focus, on which person to look at more. And they all equally deserve the same focus because they are all equally enchanting in their own ways. It is a hardship, but in a certain sweet kind of way if that makes sense.

Don’t know how much others experienced this transaction from one end to the other in their life, but it can be quite enlightening about what kind of person you can become and what you can do to make others happier and what kind of actions can make others sad.

But, it is actually disturbing when you realize how much we give up responsibility. Not gonna say give up control because if we really did give up control fully and enjoy whatever came to our life then it would be way easier and more fulfilling to live it. But, people always place the reason and the responsibility of their happiness on other people.

He is my boyfriend so he has to take care of me just the way I like it and I will be happy. If he doesn’t, I feel sad and that is his fault.

My mom didn’t congratulate me my birthday today so I am depressed.

My teacher didn’t praise me today so I will not study for her class anymore.

My friend didn’t text me back…

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One hundred and one reason of why you feel sad and then you place the blame on others like it is their job to make you happy. Every person is responsible for only one person and one person only – and that is itself.

Every other action taken to make someone else happy is considered a gift, not an obligation. And as such, should be valued whenever given and not angered or sad when not.

Why not? Simply because if you yourself first can’t make yourself happy than no one can make you happy, not truly. Because you will always depend on that person to make you happy and that is never a way of being happy for long. Then it is fleeting and usually brings more pain than pleasure.

Also, if you can’t be happy with yourself and expect others to make you happy, you are actually putting a horrible burden on others and even worse responsibility that nobody wants and they always leave in the end because it is an impossible task to fulfill.

I honestly think that many people approach relationships wrong. They approach usually with an illusion of what the person should be and is. As they meet they adjust their perspective one way or other. Expectations follow. I’ll be stereotypical here simply to make a point, not to make it seem as if it is truly like that. A girl wants flowers before every date, guys want sex after every date. If it is not fulfilled, they don’t like it and put the blame on the other significant.

That is no way to really go about because you will always end up disappointed in the end. No one can meet your expectations fully because no one can read your mind and no should actually. Everyone is their won person and what you expect is the extension of your persona and to expect someone to fill up all the check points is impossible to achieve.

But, love… Love can change all that. Just loving, not forcing or changing anything or anyone, just feeling that joy and love. Dance and sign with it. Work and create with it changes you and later on the world for the better.

After all, there is a reason for the saying love yourself first before you can love anybody else. Well, I am not sure that is really how it goes, but the point is the important one. Once you learn to enjoy yourself, you want need others to make you feel joy. But, sharing is caring and thus sharing your joy with someone familiar will just intensify it for the better and that makes a true relationship matter all the more.

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A reminder of what we have

{Music. Ludovico Einaudi – Walk}

Air and water,

Fire and earth

Did you know that at the start of alchemy and thoughts about what the earth was made of, they thought that every element was made by the four of those. Each object was made of different combinations of four main, basic elements. Today, we know that every object is made of thousands elements and thus, the endless possibilities in our minds expanded to never-ending.

Gold and silver,

Diamonds and metals

So many elements there are, so many things that once you pay attention, you find magical and mystical in its appearance and its existence.

Mud – created from water and earth. Full of potential to help and heal.

Dust – air and earth in its beauty dances under the reflector of sun light, carrying secrets we have yet to interpret and understand.

Fog – fire and water, hiding and finding things, making everything look like the time of witching hour.

Molten lava – earth and fire, making fiery accessories across the surface of the Earth, slow and relentless, it shows how some things may come slow, but they will come, steadily and surely just like anything you do.

Stranger things did happen when air and fire collided, the power it could cause, so simple and light separated, they became a force to reckon once united.

Isn’t life beautiful in it never-ending circle or growth, creation, living and then gracefully dieing before being reborn in a new shape and joy? Sounds kinda romantic for just basic every day things, but I thinks that where the secret of life actually is. In finding the beauty over and over again in things you thought you see every day, but are different with every second.

Thoughts and free time can do wonders for your blog, you know. Just a little bit of something for all of you lovelies out there, finding time to click on this post.

Love

Ellie

College, colleg, colle, colle, coll, col, co, c…….

{Music. Vacation – Vitamin C}

The doom of my existence to be honest. Why? Well, when you get asked about college all the time you are lucky if you have a ready answer in where are you attending and what year and how many tests you dealt with. But, when you, you know, aren’t you get into a bit of a spot when you have to explain your lengthy reasoning to people who won’t really understand. And that’s why I hate small talk. Because my decision isn’t based on a short thinking, it is based on the long research and rethinking and simply feeling different about it. You can’t explain it as much as it deserves to be explained with just few words.

But, I guess you are wondering now why on Earth someone doesn’t really want to go to college. It is absurd after all, because how do you expect to get a job, start a career if you didn’t spend 3-5 years in an institute to finish with a glossy piece of paper and a ridiculous looking hat on top of you.

Because I talked to a lot of people who did get into college and actually, finished it. From successful to not so successful. And every single one of them know that college isn’t the major stepping stone to success or anything really. Because, they would finish college and end up making a career from something completely different. They would study for hours, killing their nerves and screwing up their metabolism to get a degree in which they, in the end, didn’t get a job nor were interested anymore some 5 years later. And how smart is that? What good do you have now that you have a degree saying you are ready to start your journalism career, but there is some schmuck who spent the last 4 years of his life which you spent in college, building up his audience by working small jobs, and keeping up a serious blog or working in a newspaper and thus got tons of life experience. So, what is more useful and more productive in the long run?

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That is one of the major reason why I don’t feel inclined to go to college. The second is that I hate school system. I think it is basic brainwashing and that they give you one straight view on how to look at something and leave you with that, calling it an education. Third is an addition to the second and it is that I hate deadlines. Like, I hate when they put a book before me and say Read it, the test is in two months. You could give me a year, I probably won’t open it beyond writing my name in or simply doodling in boredom if even that. More likely outcome is that it would end up buried under a pile of dust and somewhere in a corner, so far that Narnia would seem near. But, if I picked that same book because I myself picked it up and didn’t have any deadline, I just wanted to learn what it contained, than it would be done in a week or less.

See, not a college girl material here. Also, I change my mind a lot. Or better to say, I want to learn many things at the same time. You can’t study drama, explore spirituality and travel the world at the same time if you are attending college. Workshops are my saviors to be honest. Not while this above is pretty harsh and sounds all doled up, it doesn’t mean I will never go to college or some school out there. Only that it will take more than the usual motivational speech given to high school kids to get here. All in all, chances are a bit slim.

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Now, that I finally got this out in the world, next time anyone asks me anything about college, I will just give them a link to this post. Though, I just have to comment, it is a wonder how people think that they need to give you advice. Like, I didn’t ask for it, for you to have a semi-worried face and then thousands suggestions. Why do people do that? Yet, when you ask them about their life, they have thousands of problems they eagerly talk about (and they finished college, see it doesn’t solve anything) and zero suggestions that they could follow to solve them.

So, to stop here, in a dramatic end of my teenage rebellion (mind you, I will consider myself a child until I am at least 80, than I am a wise one) and wish you a lovely day.

Child-like kisses,

Ellie

P.S. This is definitely me parenting. So… don’t give me children to raise unless you want a rebellion on your hands

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Inspiration, what is that?

{Music. Three wishes by the Pierces}

I come here and look at the screen.

I think of what to say. I do not wish to bombard you with pointless, everyday things. Things that I wouldn’t remember after three days. And than, I started thinking, what am I writing about in general. What is the spark that is the main theme of this blog? What brings you here? And I realized, I don’t have the answer.

It seems I am changing so rapidly, so fast, that I can’t keep the main theme, as it slipped away as if it was a bird in a cage, finally being set free, leaving me with only a shell of what it once contained.

Can’t go through a lot with just a shell, can you?

Don’t know why I am even writing this to be honest. It isn’t like it is terribly interesting.

I work at a hotel for now and it is amazing that the afternoon shift can be as boring as hell (though, for us, artsy types, a piece of paper or a book is all that is needed to chase away the boredom, or better yet, a free Wi-fi) yet once I started writing this, in less than 5 minutes, two phone calls. It is like a universe telling me, please who cares?

Though, I also take it kinda like a challenge. Just because you are stopping me, my desire to write kinda increases. Funny thing, what can inspired motivation.

So, an update. Been working on my graphic design skills so here is an example

beauty three wishesMind you, I say I’ve been working on it not that it is perfect.

woman     Paris, Paris, the mystery for me,

I admire your streets and movie stars walking under your lights,

Elegance and beauty, like cashmere soft as it covered the

bloodshed of the past

Filled with your language, I stopped understanding them, but

they got that much more beautiful

Women with sharp faces, so enchanting in their wake

And man with their charming smiles and sweet words

How I wish to visit you all,

Explore the life of erotic love and sweet promises that is Paris.

Guess I really don’t know where to go exactly. We shall see. From every mess, clarity comes so I am counting on that.

Kisses

Ellie

A golden coin

{Music. Kygo – Firestone (& others)}

For a while, I had thoughts tumbling though my head of action and reaction. Everything you do kinda get’s back at you, and everything you do also affects others in different ways. Like waves in the oceans who glide and slide, overlap and emerge in a dance as they follow one another without a thought or conscious decision. You start one thing and it leads to a completely unexpected development. It inspired this little story here.

An older gentleman was walking down the square littered with stands filled with fresh vegetables and fruits. He came to buy his wife a bouquet of flowers as he did every Sunday for past 28 years. White lilacs, he chosen for today and wore them proudly in the crook of his arm, with a content smile on his face.

Passing a corner, he saw an elderly woman sitting on a floor, face creased in frowns and hand stretched out in an endless plea. Feeling specially inclined on that fine day, he took out a shiny golden coin and one lilac flower and gave them to the old woman with a smile peaking from his trimmed and shaped mustaches. His arm felt lighter without a large, bubbling lilac head and heart lighting up at the look of wonder and joy spreading through woman’s face making it for a slip of the second look young and child-like again, as the hooded eyes opened up in wonder, smile revealing a few missing teeth and forehead smoothing out from its saddened life struggles.

The golden coin twinkled through the leathery fingers. The gentleman tipped his hat and left. The flower withered away in a slip of the time. The coin travelled in a pocket of a dress until the woman felt hunger beyond tell and gave it in exchange of a hot meal and good night’s sleep.

The young, pimply out-of-school man slipped it in his pocket instead of the cash register. He took it home and played with it under the light’s lamp, admiring its unique shine, deciding one day he will have millions of coins like this starting immediately. The next day, as he hurried to work with new determination and plan, pushing through the hordes of people and city yells and shouts, the coin silently slipped from his pocket and flew through air in a graceful, but unseen arch and scattered around the feet of hurrying people. It finally settled once the morning rush subdued and in sudden calmness it’s light attracted a young woman’s eye. She picked it up and decided it is a sign. You see, that day she had a job interview that she wasn’t sure she wanted to even go to, purely for the reason of thinking she wasn’t adequate enough. The lucky coin gave her a sign to not, after all, change her mind and call her friend to spend the day moaning and whining away.

She shouldered her bag full with her art and portfolio and headed to a new possibility. She twisted and turned the lucky coin in her palm through the whole thing and when three days later, she got a phone call that she is accepted, kissed the coin and run down to the fountain at the small square on which her balcony looked over. With a wide smile she flicked it in the air and watched its descend into the clear water surrounded by marble and wished it to bring luck to somebody just as it did to her.

The coin happily shined along with others numberless coins at the bottom of the fountain.

Seconds or hours later, curious boy leaned over the edge and spied the golden coin. When his mother wasn’t looking, quickly as a kitten, he reached out and took it, mindful to take no other. Raising it towards the sky, his eyes sparkled at finding such treasure just like all those pirates did in stories his mama read him. He took it home with him, inspecting it every now and then, caressing the smooth flat surface with small engravement of a butterfly and caterpillar on the other.

It stayed with him until one day, a boy’s mother refused to buy him a new toy. Defiant ad angry at a such an abrupt and unexpected rejection, he stepped up to the counter, laying the toy and the coin with an angry pout. The cashier raised its eyebrows, but inspecting the coin, approved and wrapped the toy much to the child’s delight and mother’s confusion.

The coin shortly lived in a darkness of the register for the other time it opened, it was taken out for an exchange of a largely quota bill and given to smiling old grandma and was put in a small purse.

The old grandma had a granddaughter who she loved dearly and always gave her something at the end of her visit.

This visit she set her down and started her flow of wise and gentle words.

“My dear, whatever you do, do it with kindness and honest heart. Wherever you go, bring joy rather than sorrow. Accept change for it walks hand in hand with both life and death and it is their best friend. Learning is a gift to appreciate and sharing is a way of love. Love is a jewel when found demanding to be nourished and cherished with beautiful thoughts and small joys, not smothered by petty jealousies and resentments. Be strong, kind and positive for than beauty will fall through your eyes and your heart will heal others. Whatever you do, do it your best, even if you don’t like it. Wherever you go, go with open heart and understanding mind. Those, child, are the secrets to a wonderful life. And this is to remind you of that every day until it is engraved in foundations of your life.”, and she took the coin out and gave it to the young granddaughter with a smile. “My dear, love is all we got and a smile never hurted anybody.”

What if we all had a small coin that gleaned and reminded us of a joy that life can be?

With love and coins,

Ellie

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Old movies and new art

{Music. Parov Stelar – Catgroove}

Movies are a source of wonder for everybody. And every type of movie has its magic that captures us. But, also every period when each movie was made gave the special kinda feeling that is hard to repeat after that time has passed.

I found that I love old movies only recently. They are simpler and sophisticated, and there is something wonderful and beautiful in them. I admit, since English is my second language, I had a bit of difficultly to understand the old phrases in the beginning, but luckily for me and my reading obsession, the use of subtitles greatly helped (to be clear, it is english subtitles because I am a sadist and like to torture myself in nice, small ways)

Of course, you can’t watch old movies without encountering the stars of old Hollywood. And one of those stars is the elegant, graceful Audrey Hepburn.

Even my mother, who simply can’t watch most new movies since she never learned to actually watch a movie, found her to be a delight when she watched My Fair Lady. First time that I saw her on the screen was, of course, the classic – Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She blew my mind away to be honest.

Her elegance and beauty captured me. She reminded me of a doe which was further confirmed when I learned and saw she had a pet deer. It also inspired this art process. And since I am an artist, as much as a writer, I wanted to share one of little delights in my life.

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It is oil paint and it is the second time ever that I work with such technique so I think it came out pretty good. I think I did the sketch at least two dozen times, it was ridiculous in the end when I had more left overs from the eraser than an actual eraser.

For me personally, the beginning is always the hardest. When you have already some lines you kinda already know how to, where to follow, but on blank your eye kinda tricks you and makes you go an inch away, but enough to make a difference and for you to have to erase and try again. Now that I think about it, life is kinda similar, isn’t it? You need to make some lines before you find the good one. Make some decision to find out which decision suits you best.

Audrey was a delight to paint as much as her hair was a, pardon my uncouth language, a pain in the ass. But, I am glad to have done it. And, gosh, who knew that oil paint can take up to two weeks to dry completely? I certainly didn’t. Talk about a surprise when I found that out. And I was so excited with planing a trip to town to get it framed in some classy, chic frame and present it my mother.

It seems that once again something old inspired something new. Old movies, I think, will always remain a source of inspiration in ways that new ones never will be, at least never in the same way. But, that difference is a such a delight to have isn’t it? Something for everybody to lose themselves in.

I am happy to answer any questions about art and art making process if anybody is interested.

Until then,

have a lovely night (or day) wherever you are!

Love,

Ellie

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Evil is not born, it’s made

I know it’s been long and there are no excuses, but life is strange and unpredictable and takes you in directions you didn’t plan to have, destroying your plans and side tracking your ways. Hopefully, the wind will blow more into the direction of blogging than it did this past few days.

{Music. Palladio by Escala}

quote

Lately, I have been examining changes that happen to us as we live. Soon I will turn twenty which I still marvel since I feel like a child and not an adult. Someone who should stay eighteen for a while not search for life decisions and tumble them in her head.

That matter aside and put for another time and post, it was pointed out to me that I lack a certain perception of how rare naivety and innocence in people is and how that might screw me later in life, something about always seeing the best in people first. I failed to point out to that person that I rarely get involved deep enough in any human interaction for them to create a mess in my head. That is to say, I rarely pay enough time and attention for other’s to have any leverage over me in such way.

But, it got me thinking about it. About life and how, with time, in a certain way, innocence is beaten out of us and we build a harsh armor that later we adopt in out personality. When a person smiles at you, it is natural to smile back. When someone looks at you with warmth in their eyes, it normal to melt a little in return. Yet, many of us kinda drove that natural reaction out of the door and invited the cold, calculative ways in our hearts which causes suspicion and ‘what does this person want’ reaction to someone’s unexpected smile and delight at having someone at back and call when you see how much someone wish to be in your company.

I watched my cousin the other day (he is eight) and in matters of minutes he met with other children and was running around, playing. By the end of the night, the kids were best friends, wrapped around each other and easily sharing hugs and laughs. So easy and simple, as life should be. But, we don’t do that, do we? Somewhere, somehow, in our transaction from a child to adult we were taught by others that there are demons in people rather than in te shadows of the night. And in fear, we prepared for battles that many never even came. We convince ourself it is alright to cheat and lie because everybody does that. to manipulate and twist because why not? And if you don’t do it, certainly someone will try to do that to you. quote1

I found that some people basically create chaos and problems from nothing and kinda force others to deal with it as well, as they adopt the role of being a victim. I have no answer as to why do they do it, but I’ve seen too many of them doing harmful things to others just because they can, because it makes them feel better, makes them feel something. And I don’t believe that such needs were born with them, but learned as they know it will get them the necessary attention they crave. quote5

No one thinks of the destruction they are causing and how they basically stop life. In the end, the best way to lose innocence and connection to life is to go against it. Many of us believe we are forced to become something harsh to survive in the world. Most of us lose it on purpose. But you don’t have to lose it so that you can survive the big bad human drama. you only need to be smarter and wiser in choosing your battles and people around you. And if life surprises you unexpectedly with catastrophy than find a way to preserve a spark of a child, not killing it further in desire to survive.

I find that naivety is a natural reaction to anything. And those who calls you naive in a bad sense have already lost it and haven’t found anything better to replace it with. In the end, anger and resentment tears you apart the most, not anybody else. The isolation and hatefulness creates more chaos than good and it brings nothing useful in your life. The judgment and criticism kills you more than you can imagine and people who cristise other’s criticises themselves the most. Imagine how empty their life is when make-up and masks comes off. qqqqqq

What I wanted to say is that, the armor everybody wishes on us doesn’t do any good in the end. If you wear it, it may protect your heart for a while, but it also kills it in the same time. And what is left of it just shapes into a parody of it causing even more harm to yourself and others.

Life is too short to be spent fighting instead of living. There are monsters in the world. But, there is also a small monster in every one of us – a fighter, a dark side capable of unexpected things. But it all depends on how much we let it take over and forget the other side of us, as well. Life is all about balance. And lately, people live extremely unbalanced life, focusing on one aspects and completely forgetting yin’s to yang’s. Focus on jobs, looks, sexuality, popularity, surviving and forgetting to explore, learn, be, love, living. I try to remember that every day. Question is how many people are even aware of such thoughts? quote7